What is Full-Immersion Heathenry?

My wife, Jennifer, made an observation the other day which I really took to heart.  To paraphrase, she said something like, "Heathenry is not a club or a weekend-only thing.  Heathenry is not a role-playing game or a re-enactment.  It is not dress-up or pretend or being on-line.  Heathenry is our life.  Our family...our children...are involved, and the kindred is our extended family.  We spend all of our time and  money on Heathenry.  Our family vacations are to Heathen gatherings, and our family friends are other Heathens.  This is what we do and who we are."

This observation got me to thinking, and it brought together a number of smaller thoughts that I hadn't really connected before.  It occurred to me that many of the struggles or misunderstandings between Heathens, both on-line and in-person, stem from differences in levels of involvement or immersion in Heathenry.  As usual, I'm going to use my own kindred, Jotun's Bane Kindred, as an example.  I would describe our kindred as fully immersed in our Heathenry.  We are not unique in this.  I personally know of many kindreds in the Midwest with a similar level of immersion, and I am certain they exist elsewhere as well.  

Jotun's Bane Kindred considers all the members of our kindred as part of one extended family.  We share true Frith with one another, considering a success or failure by any one of us to be a success or failure for the entire group.  We are Uncles and Aunts to each other's children.  We see each other at least once a week, and often several times a week.  We are at each other's home frequently, sometimes for religious reasons, but also for social purposes or to help out with something.  Our relationships within the kindred, and our relationships with people outside the kindred, are based on a Heathen world-view, Heathen values, and the tribal Thew of our kindred.

When I say that our kindred is "all-in," I mean we are literally "all-in."  Our kids and spouses are fully involved in everything that we do.  The vast majority of our friends outside the kindred, are Heathens within our Folk Community here in Kansas City or Heathens from around the Midwest that we have gotten to know very well at Heathen gatherings.  All of our family vacations or trips are centered around attending Heathen gatherings held by kindreds around the Midwest.  Walking into any one of our homes, there would be no mistaking any of us for anything other than Heathen.  Every kindred member has important portions of their home and land dedicated to honoring their Gods, the Ancestors, and the Vaettir.  Jennifer and I took the largest room in our house and remodeled it to become our kindred's Hall.  A place large enough for the whole kindred to gather comfortably, hold workshops, feast, sit in Symbel, or honor our Gods.  

Our kindred holds open Heathen gatherings, as do many other kindreds here in the Midwest.  The time, effort, planning, and money that goes into hosting these gatherings would be difficult to over-estimate.  For Lightning Across the Plains alone, we end up sacrificing about two months of our lives each year to making the event successful and meaningful for those that attend.  Whenever we attend a gathering held by another kindred, we know exactly how much time and effort, blood, sweat, and tears they have put into their event on behalf of their guests.

It goes without saying that a large portion of our free time and disposable income are focused on our kindred, our Heathen activities, and Heathenry in general.  Heathenry is at the center of our lives...and we are fully immersed in it.  We use our real names both on-line and within the Heathen community.  We participate in fostering our children with other kindreds in the Midwest.  Our crafting activities, reading, and social activities center around Heathen themes.  If I go to a movie or a hockey game with other people, you can be certain it is with members of my kindred.  If one of us faces a large crisis in our life, you can be equally certain the rest of the kindred is right there at our side.

Successful members of our kindred understand the high level of responsibility they have to their own family and the families of the other members of the kindred.  They make decisions with both their own needs, the needs of their family, and the needs of the kindred in mind.  All the decisions they make and the actions they take can have an impact on every other member of our kindred..their families...their children.  Their Orlog and Luck is tied to the Orlog and Luck of the group, and this lends a gravity to one's decisions that the individual alone does not experience.  Due to our kindred's close relationship with many kindreds here in our region, a kindred member should further recognize that his/her decisions and actions can also affect our Heathen friends throughout the region, their kindreds, and their children.

DIFFERENT LEVELS OF IMMERSION

Not everyone is at the same level of involvement or immersion, and I have not described Jotun's Bane Kindred's level of immersion above as a negative judgement on other people.  Just as a factual matter, there are people that treat Heathenry a bit more like a hobby in which they indulge upon occasion.  An interest they spend some time reading about and browsing relevant websites.  Some people do not have the time at that moment to become fully immersed.  Some people don't have the support of their spouse or their families, and feel unable to really commit themselves.  Some people don't have any other Heathens in their area, and this can be naturally discouraging.  Some people see kindreds as more of a club, than an extended family.   For some it can be a weekend-only activity...something their spouse let's them go do for some time away, like a sports league or another individual activity.  Some are in a situation where their spouse or ex-spouse won't let them involve their children in Heathenry.  Some simply have other commitment and other interests that take up a fair portion of their time.  We understand this.

So, I'm going to say this one more time to avoid misunderstanding.  By describing our own level of immersion, I'm not commenting negatively on anyone else.  Obviously, our level of immersion is one that we are comfortable with and one that we feel serves us best, or we would not be doing it.  But, we understand it might not serve everyone best.  We know, like, and enjoy being around Heathens with various levels of involvement and immersion.

HOW DIFFERENCES CAN CAUSE PROBLEMS

What can often cause problems, is when Heathens with differing levels of involvement or immersion meet and interact, without a good understanding of their differences.  The following are hypothetical situations meant to illustrate my point.  They are generalizations, and not a comment about any certain group or type of people.

Imagine for a moment a new Heathen father who wants full immersion for his family and children and finds a kindred in his area that is more of a club or weekend-only activity for individuals.  The newcomer will have certain expectations and hopes for this encounter with the new group which may very well clash with the established expectations within the club-like kindred.  The new Heathen may see the group as not being serious or committed enough, and the kindred may very well see the new Heathen as pushy, judgmental, and annoying.

Imagine the Heathen individual who comes from a dysfunctional family finding a very family-oriented fully-immersed kindred in his area.  This individual may have never known what it is to be part of a healthy family, and may not have the skills or ability to move beyond being just an individual.  The family-oriented kindred will obviously have some expectations regarding those attempting to join them, and this individual may not be able to meet those expectations.  You would think that a family-oriented kindred could train an individual to know how to interact within a family, but in most cases the damage has been done and their is no way to teach the person.  Often, they don't even have the capability to recognize or acknowledge their own dysfunctional inability to function within a family environment.

Imagine in general the new person to Heathenry.  They are still learning, exploring, and trying to get a foothold on this entirely different world-view and way of living.  A club-like kindred may be a great fit for them at first...but a fit that they may potentially out-grow if as they learn over time that they find they want to be more heavily immersed.  On the other hand, if they join a full-immersed kindred too early on, they may not fully understand the level of involvement to which they have committed...and do poorly at it in the long run.

Young single people can be a potential problem for a kindred that expects long-term commitment and full immersion.  It can be impossible to predict who a young person is going to get into a romantic relationship with, and even more impossible to predict how that relationship will alter their focus and commitment to the kindred.  Multiply this over several relationships that occur in a series, and there is certain lack of stability that will likely develop.  Young single people are also more likely to move away in order to pursue a new relationship or career opportunity.  None of this is bad in and of itself, but it should be kept in mind.

A married individual who has a spouse that dislikes Heathenry and does not support their involvement in the kindred can obviously be a large problem for a fully-immersed kindred.  Non-supportive spouses tend to pick at and grind away at the involved spouse causing them all sorts of stress and problems, and all of this is usually just the build up to an ultimatum to leave the kindred and Heathenry.  It is also enormously unlikely that a married member with a non-supportive spouse will be allowed to involve their children in your kindred, causing another focus of stress for them and within their marriage.

There are individuals that chase the next shiny thing.  They rarely realize that this is what they are doing, but they basically go from new interest to new interest, showing an intense amount of commitment to each new activity for a short amount of time.  And then off to the next shiny thing.  When these folks join a fully immersed kindred they come in like gang-busters, and then one day they are just gone to the next thing.  I wonder if they realize the damage they do to the other members, families, and children of such a group?

And let's not forget those who love drama.  They feed on emotional turmoil and the negative attention that comes from being at the center of problems, or at least enormously close to problems they've stirred up.  These individuals will never admit and may not even recognize that this is who they are and what they do.  But, you can usually spot them by listening to the stories they tell of how unfairly they were treated by past jobs, other groups they belonged to, or other drama-filled tales with them as cast as the victim.  These drama addicts can cause an enormous amount of damage to even a solid kindred if you let them.  

THE COMMON SENSE AND THE EXCEPTIONS

Again, I'm about to make some generalizations.  But, I'm going to try and off-set this by acknowledging the ever-present exceptions to every rule.  There are people who fit every good indicator who will be a nightmare for your kindred.  There are people who should send up every red-flag, who will be amazing members in your kindred.  There is no hard and fast rule.  But, I still believe there is value in considering the generalizations.

If you have a family-oriented, fully-immersed kindred or are trying to build one, it is just common sense that some people are going to fit into that group and some people aren't.  A healthy family approaching this kindred for possible membership is more likely to be a good fit than an individual who has been divorced three times.  Someone who has been a successful member of other groups and knows how to interact within a social group is a better bet than the reclusive loner who is terminally socially awkward.  Someone who has shown long-term commitment in other areas of their life is a much better bet than someone who is never long in one job, in one place, or one relationship.

But each family and each individual are case-by-case, and should be judged by their deeds.  I say judged by their deeds, because in this day and age there are many that can talk the talk...and talk it convincingly.  But, you have to look behind the curtain, ignore the flowery words, the song-and-dance, and the emotional appeals, and get right at who this person actually is and what they actually do.  When they interact with your kindred, are they contributing, helping out, sharing, and interested in learning how to fit well into your kindred?  Do you see in their lives consistent signs of stability, commitment, loyalty, teamwork, and family-oriented thinking and actions?  Or is something else going on?

It is also important to examine every aspect of a individual or family before letting them begin working toward joining the kindred.  We've talked about stability, loyalty, commitment, ability to be part of a family or team, etc.  But, one aspect that is sometimes neglected or forgotten is the social aspect.  If you allow a new member into your kindred, you are going to be spending an immense amount of time with him or her.  You will be interacting with them socially on a regular basis.  If they annoy you, tire you, or bring with them serious personality conflicts, then these problems must be completely resolved before you can move forward.  Potential members that are socially awkward or inept can also be a problem depending on the severity of their ineptness.  Building and maintaining a kindred is hard enough when you all like each other a lot and get along well.  If there are members of the kindred that do not like each other or don't know how to get along it can be toxic.  

UNDERSTANDING IS IMPORTANT

A little earlier I wrote, what can often cause problems, is when Heathens with differing levels of involvement or immersion meet and interact, without a good understanding of their differences.

For instance, if I approached every new Heathen that attended their first open event with us and demanded that they get on-board immediately with the same level of involvement as we have within the kindred, I would drive nearly everyone away.  This goes equally so for long-time Heathens in the Kansas City area or the region around us.  If they are at a place in their life where it works better for them or they simply prefer to have less immersion, then what purpose would it serve for me to demand more of them?  One aspect of being a tribal Heathen that is sometimes overlooked, is that I don't expect everyone to believe and practices exactly as I do.  I don't demand that of other people, or judge them negatively for not being exactly like me...or believing exactly as I do.  Each tribe and family has its own ways and its own Thew, and I respect that.

When a kindred is examining someone for potential membership in their kindred, they need to keep in mind the level of immersion for which this potential new member appears ready.  To do otherwise sets everyone up for problems down the road.

Mark Ludwig Stinson

Jotun's Bane Kindred

Temple of Our Heathen Gods

http://www.heathengods.com  

Current Photo of Everyone in JBK

I really like this recent photo of Jotun's Bane Kindred.  It shows everyone involved in our kindred effort moving forward into 2013...including oathed members, applicant members, and prospects.

Mark Ludwig Stinson

Jotun's Bane Kindred

Temple of Our Heathen Gods

http://www.heathengods.com

Rod Landreth's Removal from Jotun's Bane Kindred

At Yule 2012, the members of Jotun's Bane Kindred unanimously agreed to release Rod Landreth from his kindred oath.  In January 2013, we informed Rod Landreth of this decision.  Rod is no longer a member of Jotun's Bane Kindred.  His luck is his own and he does not speak for us nor does he know our mind.

After graduating from college in May of 2012, Rod was publicly put on Sabbatical from Jotun's Bane Kindred in order to explore his employment opportunities, move into a new house, and make decisions on his next steps in life.  Rod was privately told that this "time in the woods" was meant to allow Rod to consider how he fit into the goals and thew of our kindred, and to allow the kindred to consider whether they could continue forward with Rod as a kindred member after a year and a half of difficulties.

At the end of his "time in the woods," Jotun's Bane Kindred decided that Rod be released from his Kindred oath for the Kindred's benefit, and perhaps his own.  Rod remains a friend and a fellow member of the Heathen Folk Community here in the Kansas City Area. Jotun's Bane Kindred has only well wishes for Rod as he moves on to another chapter in his life.

Mark Ludwig Stinson

Jotun's Bane Kindred

Temple of Our Heathen Gods

http://www.heathengods.com

Jotun's Bane Kindred - Moving Forward in 2013

Yule and the New Year is a time of reflection and consideration of the prior year -- and a time of vision and planning for the coming year.  Recent successes and failures are reviewed and examined, lessons are learned, new Thew is crafted and existing Thew is adjusted and evolved.  And the future sprawls before you, rife with both pitfalls and opportunities.

Going into 2013, our kindred membership is a strong and vibrant group of loyal and honorable Heathens, some oathed, some applicants, and some prospects.

The Stinsons -- Mark, Jennifer, Nathan, Elizabeth, and Joshua
The Hamilton's -- Johnny, Kimberly, Zac, Raven, and Lillian
Will Burris (and Ruffus)
The Steveson's -- Glen and Susan
The Hopkins -- Bo and Kella
The Thurston's - James and Stephanie
Joel Archer and Jackie Christiansen

The members of Jotun's Bane Kindred are feeling enormously joyful about the future of our families, our kindred, and our friends within the regional community.  We have a full schedule of both private events and public outreach on our schedule for the year.  We're looking forward to hosting both our Ostara Gathering and the fifth annual Lightning Across the Plains Gathering, and celebrating our sixth year as an oathed kindred.  We have a lot of road-trips on our calendar to visit other kindreds in our region and attend their gatherings as well.  It is a good feeling to be making forward progress with good friends at your side.

Jotun's Bane Kindred is hopeful that those reading this have a full and meaningful 2013 ahead of them as well.

:-)

Mark Ludwig Stinson
Jotun's Bane Kindred
Temple of Our Heathen Gods
http://www.heathengods.com

The Pitfalls of On-Line Heathenry

On-line Heathenry is how many Heathens find and share information, promote and educate people about their events and efforts, and it is a great way to stay in touch with other Heathens and Kindreds not in your immediate area.  On-line Heathenry is where most new Heathens first encounter other Heathens.  But, on-line Heathenry is a flawed and dysfunctional place much of the time.  If you skim the surface and essentially just lurk about, it can be somewhat entertaining to watch the train-wreck that is on-line Heathenry.  But, if you delve in, share opinions and information, and engage in on-line discussions, the negatives to on-line Heathenry that make it almost not worth it to engage at all.


Honestly, most of the things I'm going to write about in this post don't occur very much in face-to-face Heathenry.  Probably because when you are face-to-face with another person you recognize them as another human being.  You recognize that the other person can react to what you say in an immediate and equal way.  And finally, most of the things described in this post are done by people who aren't really involved in face-to-face Heathenry.  These are things mostly done by people who see themselves as brave mighty Heathens, though most of their Heathenry takes place behind a keyboard and screen.

(Note:  I chose some cheerful photos from face-to-face Heathenry to accompany this essay, just to lighten the mood a little.  LOL.)

DENOMINATIONAL THINKING - The beliefs and practices of our Ancestors varied greatly, depending on time-period, geographical location, socio-economic status, and other factors.  Our Ancestors lived in an oral-storytelling culture, with no writing, no holy books, no centralized religious authority (at least to the degree we see today in Christianity), and there was a great diversity in what they believed and how they honored our Gods, Ancestors, and the Wights.  As with other oral-storytelling traditions, it is likely that even two families living on farms five miles from each other would have had at least some degree of differing traditions and beliefs.  But, there are those modern Heathens that seem to believe they know the "one true way" to Honor our Gods.  They may not admit to this openly, or even outright deny it, but their words and actions clearly suggest that they feel that their way is the only correct way.  They believe that what they believe and what they practice is right, and everyone else is wrong.  As such, some of these "fundamentalist" Heathens work very hard against anyone that does things or sees things differently than they do.  They denigrate and mock those Heathens that believe differently than they do.  They put forward the idea that modern Heathenry is about rediscovering what our ancestors believed, without ever truly acknowledging that our ancestors beliefs varied greatly and represent a diverse tapestry, not a singular monolithic belief structure.

This denominational thinking leads to unnatural divisions within modern Heathenry.  "I can't go to that gathering, because the people hosting it don't believe exactly as I do."  "I don't like that kindred four states away from ours because I've heard they do things differently than we do."  "I can't hang out with those folks," they are in a different National Org than I am, and must do things completely differently than I do."


Let's be clear.  Most Heathens have more in common than the petty differences that tend to get constantly highlighted on-line.  And modern Heathenry is too small and too new to weaken itself with exhausting and pointless wedges driven through segments of our Folk.  Wedges that are often driven into place by people with no real interest in advancing Heathenry forward as a whole.

THOSE THAT CONDEMN - There are on-line Heathens out there that jump at the chance to condemn and badmouth others.  Often these condemnations are over matters of belief.  They regularly accuse people of being Racists or Race-Traitors, Fluffy Bunnies, Wack-Jobs, and accuse people of having "Christian Baggage."  They almost always do this with very little actual knowledge of the person they are condemning and name-calling.  You may think you are engaging in conversation with them, or building mutual understandings, but their intentions are not to have an honest discussion with you.  They much prefer to nit-pick your words, remove them from context, argue meaningless semantics, and declare some sort of intellectual victory which they have not actually won.  I can't really say specifically why they do this, but I've come to believe they do it to feel better about themselves.  They suffer from that weak tendency of feeling bigger and better when they are tearing other people down.  From the outside looking in, it appears to be a "look at me!" showboating meant to make them feel intelligent and important.  It mostly leaves everyone else wondering why we bother getting on-line.

NAY-SAYERS - Another group of on-line Heathens spend their time tearing down anyone that is actually doing anything real in the world.  You host a gathering, and they spend their time spreading negative misinformation about your gathering.  You start a kindred, and they spend their time trash-talking your efforts.  You work on any sort of forward-looking Heathen effort, and they spend their time mocking your efforts.  Nevermind that they have never attended your gathering, have never met your kindred, and know nothing about your efforts.  And nevermind that they aren't really doing anything themselves except posting on-line, and mostly posting attacks and negativity.  Again, I can't say for sure why they do this.  But, it seems to me that if they can tear down everyone else's efforts, it makes it alright in their mind that they aren't really making any positive efforts of their own.  If no one else succeeds, or they find a way to mock anyone else's successes, it makes their own lack of action or successes somehow more personally acceptable.

   

LEADER-KILLERS - There are on-line Heathens that spend a fair amount of time tearing down anyone that gains any sort of renown.  Anyone that expresses any sort of opinion or shares anything publicly about their beliefs or practices is mocked as wanting to be the Asa-Pope.  It is almost a reflex reaction anymore.  Anyone that leads a kindred or local group is declared a Cult-Leader, a Know it All, or accused of benefiting from a Cult of Personality.  If they can't find anything real to destroy the leaders with, they make up lies.  Nevermind they've never met the people they are tearing down. To some degree, I understand the mistrust of anyone who represents any sort of leadership.  I think a distrust of leaders is sort of built into our American culture, and perhaps this is amplified within the Heathen subculture because we are an alternative to the status quo.  But, the people I'm talking about literally attack anyone who is working hard within Heathenry.

PERSONAL POLITICS - Heathenry represents an enormously small percentage of the population, making Heathenry a "small world."  There are Heathens that quickly develop personality-conflicts and personal dislike for other Heathens, and focus in almost obsessively to the task of destroying those they don't like...and anyone that associates with those they don't like.  Any effort by anyone they don't like, is mercilessly and endlessly attacked.  Any opinion stated by anyone they don't like is twisted and taken out of context so that it can be gutted and made to seem not only unreasonable, but outright foolish or stupid.  Often this sort of personal attack is done in the shadows.  The people that do this sort of thing feel completely comfortable attacking their target's family, using photos of their target's friends and family, and suggesting the worst possible things about a person in places and in ways that prevents the target from defending himself or herself.  It is clear to most of us how dishonorable this behavior is, but that argument is lost on those that engage in this behavior.

THE FANTASY IDENTITY - I understand when a person wants to maintain their privacy and not share too much about their family or personal life.  But, there is a specific kind of person involved in on-line Heathenry that speaks about life, Heathenry, values, and other matters...but we don't know a single real thing about the person.  They exist as just so many pixels on the screen, without any information or context available for the opinions they are sharing or the ideas they are spreading.  These fantasy identities usually have an assumed name or a "Heathen name."  There are few if any photos of the person.  No real information about their life, their successes, their failures, etc.  Nothing.  So, they are able to portray themselves any way they wish, and many people will just accept this because we all know "if it is on the internet it must be true."  LOL.  I have managed to track down information on a few of the fantasy identities that irritated me the most, just out of personal curiousity.  And I assure you that if people knew more about who they really are and what they really do in life, their online fantasy identities would lose most if not all of their credibility.  Your best bet when encountering an advice or information from someone who is basically a blank slate, is to consider that advice or information as extremely suspect until proven otherwise.

I mean, do you want to take advice about Heathen marriage from someone who has been divorced three times?  Do you want to take family advice from someone who has never really had a good family experience and doesn't really know how to interact within a family?  Do you want to take job advice from someone who has never had a career of any sort, and who has gone from job to job to job every few months?  And if you don't know anything real about the person giving you advice, you don't really know if they have any knowledge or Luck worth sharing.

CRAZY PEOPLE - We all understand that there are mentally ill people and people with personality disorders in every religion and every walk of life. But Heathenry, perhaps because it is an alternative religion and not part of the mainstream, seems to have at least its share of crazy people.  There are Heathens on-line that are delusional, unreasonable, and without any boundaries what-so-ever.  They develop hatreds for others on-line over the smallest things.  They are obsessive and, once they are on the attack, they never stop.

WHAT CAN YOU DO? - Honestly, the most you can really do about these behaviors is not engage in them yourself, call people out when you see them engage in these behaviors, and don't associate with those people who insist on acting in these ways.  Ignoring these people as sort of the broken bottom-feeders they tend to be is probably the best way to deal with them.

I wrote this essay, because people will often ask me why I am such a strong proponent of face-to-face Heathenry, grass-roots growth, and Heathen gatherings.  Sometimes people take exception when I say something negative about on-line Heathenry.  So, I thought perhaps I would illustrate some of the things I've experienced to better explain why I fear the negative affect on-line Heathenry has on all our efforts.  Granted, there are many positive features of on-line Heathenry, which is why I am still involved on-line.  But, it is my worry that Heathenry will be stuck in a prolonged infancy as long as we tolerate these destructive behaviors.

Mark Ludwig Stinson
Jotun's Bane Kindred
Temple of Our Heathen Gods
http://www.heathengods.com

Change is Certain - Accept it - Plan For It

The one constant in life is change. The earliest recorded expression of this idea is by Heraclitus, a Greek philosopher who wrote a book around 500 B.C.E. Heraclitus expressed the idea that even when the stand in the exact same place in a river, the waters flowing around you are different waters, flowing from different places in each moment. When modern Heathens discuss Wyrd and Orlog, they sometimes use the symbolism of a tapestry. There may be familiar patterns or repeating themes in your life, but you are always at a different point on the tapestry...at a different point in your story. For this reason, your knowledge, difficulties, support mechanisms, and opportunities are all different, even if the situation seems similar.

    

You will often hear people say, "I don't like change." Or perhaps they'll say, "I fear change." Essentially, this is like saying, "I fear life," because our lives are in a constant state of change. And while you don't have to like or enjoy all the changes, it is healthy to acknowledge and accept that change is a certainty. You body matures, ages, and changes unceasingly over time. Your mind-set, understandings, and emotional maturity move, shift, evolved, and can even devolve over time. Everyone your know and interact with is changing, shifting, and "standing in different waters" from moment to moment. We watch our parents grow older, weaker, and eventually die. We watch our children learn to walk, talk, and grow from nearly helpless little babies to full-grown adults with minds and lives of their own.

It would be unwise to ignore the ways our lives shift and change. It would be outright foolish to hope for long-term stasis or "sameness" in a world as complex and fast-moving as our own. But, there are ways we can build relatively stable lives upon the shifting sands. Stable rich lives full of people we love and stand with against all hardships. But, like many things worth doing, it goes better if you put some thought into it and approach the puzzle with forethought and purpose.

CHANGE WITHIN OUR FRIENDSHIPS

Currently you do not have the same friends, nor do you have the same relationship with each of those friends, that you had five years ago. And five years from now you will not have exactly the same friends that you have now, and your relationships with each of the friends that remain will be different. As human beings our needs, interests, tolerances, and life-situation change over time. Some friendships end with a loud and rowdy fight or disagreement over an action taken by one of the friends, a difference in values that can't be resolved, betrayal, disgust, or clashing interests. Some friendships simply fade away quietly due to changing interests, new people in each friend's life, or a changed life-situation that just doesn't really support the continuance of the friendship anymore. People who once liked each other can learn do dislike each other over time. People get jobs far away and need to move. People get married, find new interest, new friends, change religion, or move in a direction in life that you may not want to follow.

This is not to say that some friendships can't last your whole life. And I certainly don't mean to say that friendships should be given up on easily. But, it is clear to me that you cannot predict which friendships will last your whole life. You can't predict these things with any certainty at all. The friend you thought would never ever let you down...may surprise you by completely walking away just when you need his friendship the most. The friend who swears life-long friendship to you in the strongest terms, may forget the commitment in those words just a few months later while playing with whatever "new shiny thing" they've come across lately.

Knowing and understanding this, we can act wisely toward our friends. We must treat our friends well. Visit them often. Be generous with our gifts, our advice, our support, and our time. We must share our thoughts with them, and listen to their goals, experiences, and thoughts when they share them. If we find ourselves with a new interest, a new friend, or a new direction in life -- sharing these new things with our friends allows them to adapt to the changes in us. We should in turn encourage our friends to share those new things in their lives with us. If a friend really digs a new band or their start a band, listen to the music. If a friend starts going to a sports event all the time, ask to go with them sometime and find out what they love about the sport. If a friend gets involved in a new club, a new activity, a new interest, at least get to know what they are up to and why they love this new thing. Staying involved and interested in a friend's life and allowing them to be involved and interested in your life goes a long way toward letting you change and grow at a nice even pace -- rather than growing apart.

But, the point of this essay hinges on the fact you can do everything right, and still a friend may go away. You can attempt to follow the flow of change, manipulate it, and make it work for you. But, in the end you can't stop change and you can't predict where it will go or how it will affect your life and friendships. So, a skill in life that must be learned is how to let go of friends. Sometimes friends begin exhibiting behaviors that make it clear something is wrong. Perhaps they are taking actions that are very selfish, or possibly even hurtful to you or mutual friends. Perhaps they are expressing dissatisfaction with who you are, but the things they are asking you to change or alter are not things you want to change or alter about yourself. Perhaps they make it a habit to let you down and not follow through with plans you've made. Perhaps they are befriending or offering "comfort and aid" to your enemies. Perhaps they simply disappear from your life...no visits, no calls, no interest in remaining in touch.

You can address these behaviors with your friend in an open and honest way in the hopes that these matters are misunderstandings and can be resolved or worked through. During this process of working through problems, pay much more attention to the actions and deeds of your friend, and not so much attention to their words. There is a type of person out there that likes to say all the right things to keep you on the hook, without really being willing to do the right things or take the right actions. In the end...if you find these matters cannot be resolved or worked through, it is time to let go. It is sad and disappointing to let a friend go. Some are more sad and disappointing than others of course. But, life is too short and our decisions about who we associate with too important to drag out a bad relationship that has no real hope of becoming good again. Let go with as little drama as possible. Let go with as much honesty and clarity as possible. Let go in a way that does not do any more harm to either of your interests. But, let go.

Hanging onto to failed friendships wastes your time, your energy, and your emotions on someone who has usually shown by their actions that they aren't really interested in being a loyal friend to you any longer. There are plenty of good and loyal people in the world that you can spend your time, energy, and emotions on...to your mutual benefit.  Toward this end, it is good to be open to new friendships.  Especially when you encounter someone who has the values, interests, and qualities that you know would make for a good and loyal friend.

CHANGE WITHIN OUR MARRIAGES

Much of the advice in the Friendship portion of this essay goes for marriages as well, with one major difference. A marriage is an oath between two people, usually made with a high degree of permenance in mind. An oath made before their family, their friends, and their Gods. This oath becomes even more important once the married couple take on the responsibility of raising children in a healthy and stable environment. So, even more so than with friendships, both spouses need to work very closely together to ensure they are growing and changing together in complimentary ways, and not growing apart. New friends, interests, and directions in life should be shared between the married couple, at least enough so that these new factors do not create wedges in the marriage.

Any long and successful marriage can almost be mapped in phases. The marriage relationship changes of it own accord. There is the time when you are first married and honey-mooning. This can be a time of great joy and plenty of little fights as the two of you figure out how to live together in one house, sharing one life together. Then the children come, and things shift into new parent mode. Eventually the children are old enough to not need constant attention and the marriage moves into another phase where the married couple has a little more time together, for each other. And so on. Every marriage is different, but they all experience a shifting focus and evolution of purpose over time. If the married couple is determined and intentional in working on their marriage and keeping is healthy and positive, then they will work through all the changes together as a team, communicating and making adjustments as they go.

As I've stated in other essays, while maintaining the marriage oath is enormouly important to the married couple, their children, their extended families, their kindreds, and their friends -- there are circumstances where a marriage is better off being disolved and the oath released. In general, spousal abuse, chronic alcohol and drug abuse, gambling addiction, and infidelity are obviously some areas of failure where it might be better for all involved if the marriage is ended. But, it should never be done so lightly and without a full understanding of the consequences it will have on everyone connected to the failure.

CHANGE WITHIN OUR KINDREDS

Finding other Asatruars or Heathens can be difficult, and building a lasting kindred can be even more difficult.  Friendships and trust must be built.  Understandings and boundaries established.  Structure, decision-making, and methods need to be discussed and agreed upon.  So, once you have a kindred that is operational and moving forward, the last thing you want to see is change.  You don't want to see anyone leave, and when people do leave it feels like a failure in some way...or a disruption.  It is completely natural to feel this way, if not a little unrealistic.  Change is going to happen no matter how much you attempt to prevent it.  It doesn't matter how air-tight your kindred oath is and it doesn't matter how serious you believe every oath-taker is when they make that oath.  Some will burn out.  Some will move away.  Some will lose interest.  Some will self-destruct.  Some have never had a family, and don't have a clue how to be a part of something like a family.  Some unintentionally seek drama in their lives, and your kindred will be no exception.  We could go on and on here, and I'm sure many readers would find examples from their own lives to contribute.

  

But here is the bottom-line.  If your kindred is five-years old, then it is enormously likely it does not have the exact same members it did when it started.  And look around your kindred right now.  The people you see around you...it is enormously likely they won't still be there five years from now.  Sure, some members will be in a kindred for its entire existance.  But, just as with friendships, it is impossible to predict who will stay and who will go.  That's just how life works.  You'd like to believe that you know who is going to stick with your kindred effort for the long haul, but it is hubris to believe you can predict that.  The guy or gal you have 100% faith in could be gone in six months.  And the guy or gal you aren't completely sure about, might be there for the next 30 years.

  

So, how do you build a stable kindred on such shifting sands?  You have to be smart about it.  Choose your kindred members wisely.  Choosing wisely will at least limit or reduce the turn-over in membership over time.  Carefully structure and plan your kindred, its traditions, its decision-making, and its processes to maintain stability even as kindred membership evolves slowing over time.  Protect your kindred from all threats to its existance and stability, from both within and without.  Have a process and method for dealing with those members that may flake-out on you over time.  Address problems within your kindred openly and honestly -- and be direct about it.  As with all human interaction, generous communication and seeking of understanding and common ground can avoid a lot of problems...and solve many of the problems you can't avoid.  Especially within a social group that has been established on the basis of trust and Frith.

   

What do you do when kindred members fail or when problems develop.  Just like with friendships, you tackle any problems that come up in a forward and direct way, in hopes of resolving or fixing the problem.  But, there are times when the actions of a kindred member repeatedly show that it is time for them to go.  Much like with friendship, there is a time when hanging onto a failed kindred member wastes your time, your energy, and your emotions over someone who is showing by their ongoing actions that they don't want to be a loyal and frithful kindred member any longer.  Letting go of a kindred member should never be done lightly, as a kindred oath and your relationships within the kindred were established to be stable, strong, and lasting.  But, there are people out there that will take advantage of your loyalty, when they have no intention of truly being reciprocal in the oath they hold with you.  Some of these people don't even know they are doing it...but their actions and the consequences of their on-going actions tell the tale very clearly.

    

When you find yourself in this situation, let go with as little drama as possible. Let go with as much honesty and clarity as possible. Let go in a way that does not do any more harm to either of your interests. But, let go.

   

Acknowledging that there will be at least some turn-over in kindred membership over time, necessitates making efforts to meet and add new members to your kindred over time.  Sometimes existing members will resist the addition of new members, arguing that they "just want things to stay the same."  The problem with listening to this advice, is the person who is arguing against adding any new membrers over time may not be there in a year or two.  The kindred, its health, its survival, and its goals are more important than any one person within the kindred.  The kindred is paramount because if the kindred has been built and maintained correctly, the kindred itself may very well outlast every current member's involvement or time on this earth.  So, directly argue against selfish and short-sighted advice of kindred members who just want everything "to stay the same."  Nothing stays the same.

  

There are also incredible benefits to the kindred in addiing new quality members over time.  New members are much  more than just an extra set of hands to do the work.  New members tend to be fired up about the kindred and heathenry, and this energy and excitement can be contagious for more tenured members.  New members naturally bring new skills, new knowledge, and new opportunities to the table for the kindred.  They also bring a fresh eye and fresh approachs to challenges or problems that have affected the kindred over time.  It is important that you choose your new members carefully and do the work necessary to properly bring them into the Thew and traditions of your kindred.  But, if you have chosen well, new members can be a spark for positive change within a kindred and a sign of the kindred's potential longevity.

   

CHANGE IS GOING TO HAPPEN WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT

You may not like change.  You may fear change.  But, change doesn't really care.  Its going to happen anyway.  So, accept it.  Acknowledge it.  Plan for it.  If you really think it through and learn from your experiences, you can build a stable life, with a stable marriage, stable friendships, and a stable kindred on top of the shifting sands of change.  And these powerful and meaningful successes in your life prepare you and shelter you from everything and anything that might come your way.

Mark Ludwig Stinson

Jotun's Bane Kindred

Temple of Our Heathen Gods

http://www.heathengods.com

Carved Aspen Mjolnir #2

This is a Thor's Hammer I recently finished carving from aspen wood.  It will be available for sale at http://heathengods.storenvy.com/.

Mark Ludwig Stinson
Jotun's Bane Kindred
Temple of Our Heathen Gods
http://www.heathengods.com